Kreative Tendencies

Disclaimer: The following is intended to be a self-audit of my problems. It will seem pessimistic, keep in mind that the purpose of this audit is to identify problems so that they can be fixed - not to complain woefully with no intent for action to rectify the situation. This audit should generate a sense of desire and hope rather than one of depression and self loathing. This audit is also candid, and due to the nature of its content, reader discrection is advised.


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I've been reading through my past entries, not many of them, but some of the first ones on this blog. It's been open for nearly 3 months now, which is kind of amazing for me - as commitment, as we will soon see, is not something that comes easily to me.

Anyway, in doing these readings I have thought about my major problems, which I need to sort out.

• Lack of / Fear of Commitment
• Addiction to change
• Pessimism to popular things
• Pessimistic view of other people
• Non-direction
• Indecisivness

Now, I''m not just talking about my issues which I had (have) with choosing what to do for a career - but in life in general. I can't seem to stay put on anything - from hobbies, to subjects to this and that - not so much a short attention span as a lack of commitment.

Anyway the first thing that comes to mind that fits all of these, and the simple driving force which I need to eliminate from my life is

• Paranoia

- Not that I'm worried everyone is out to get me. (Or are they :p lol), but rather I'm paranoid that should be doing something else. - Whatever I am doing. I keep thinking what if I was doing something else. This applies, not only to my course/career, but also to things like hobbies etc.... I cant have fun playing this game because I feel like I should be doing something else - be it playing a different game, studying, or anything really just something other than what I am doing.

I think this stems from a deep insecurity. One that has existed for quite an extended period of time. One that has always been there, but up untill now never identified.

Through the process of identifcation I see that my paronoia stems from my insecurity. - The source of this insecurity is mistrust, or non-trust. In everything, in everyone, but namely in myself. I must grow to trust myself, in my decisions and in my actions - small and large.

This trust will eliminate the insecurity, which in turn shall eliminate the paranoia - which is the driving force behind all of the bad qualities I have listed above. Trust. -Hmmm...things feel slightly better now.

It's time for a change.

But, this time it's not subjects!!!!

No, instead its a change for the blog. - A template change. Not yet, but within the next few hours the template will be modified. Be on the look out.
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Other than that, i'm starting to get over this dreaded chest infection. The Rulide and anaesthetic + eucalyptus combined treatments are helping quite well. I'm not happy about having this condition - but I am glad it has come now, rather than during semester.

Monday I am off to Bort's for YuYu Hakusho marathon - but this is somewhat subject to change if I am still ill. -Here's hoping I'm better. - Anyway, it's only a little over a week left untill semester 2 starts. We've come a long way....and we are about to reach the end of the countdown, and the beginning - the beginning of the rest of my life.

~Kreative

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room (unless I try to start again)

I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m Breaking the habit Tonight

Clutching my cure I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I’ll paint it on the walls
'Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this way,
I’ll never be alright

So I’m Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Success does not come to those who ask the question: What If?




Here are the 20 qualites I desire:

1. Ability
2. Achievement
3. Action
4. Courage
5. Determination
6. Difficulties (so I can overcome)
7. Dreams
8. Enthusiasm
9. No Excuses
10. Failure (so I can be succesful)
11. Goals
12. Happiness
13. Motivation
14. Opportunity
15. Perseverance
16. Success
17. Time
18. Committment
19. Patience (and understanding)
20. Love

All 20 I already have. Let's start exercising them!

I spent the last few hours - since about 8 pm to now 1.41am getting and installing 3 different distros of linux. And none have been succesful. - Suse, Kubuntu and MandrivaOne(Live) have all fucked up.

I lost my music, my games and everything else on my main hard disk. At least I didn't lose my photos.

I'll get over it, but I'm still pissed.

Okay so I'm now in computer science/software engineering. This makes sense, as I am good with computers. I hope I don't get too lazy - well I am the one in control, so I have the power to fix it.

Essentially I rushed into finance, and anyway...I can't be bothered going into it. - Anyway, if the games engine development course opens next year I will apply for it.

The open uni course is now cancelled, thanks to me - as I don't need to be doing it, just yet - might as well save up that FEE-HELP - untill I have to use it. At least I know my future is going to be computer science - thats pretty much the worst case scenario -which is pretty good, actually.

On other notes, I started get the edge today, quite good - awesome actually. I've locked in the hour of power system, so we will see how I go. I'm also starting to get a sore-throat so I hope, by taking an antibiotic or 2 I quell it quickly.

Other than that I'm tired. so nite.