Kreative Tendencies

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Self-Evaluation [Audit]

Disclaimer: The following is intended to be a self-audit of my problems. It will seem pessimistic, keep in mind that the purpose of this audit is to identify problems so that they can be fixed - not to complain woefully with no intent for action to rectify the situation. This audit should generate a sense of desire and hope rather than one of depression and self loathing. This audit is also candid, and due to the nature of its content, reader discrection is advised.

I've been reading through my past entries, not many of them, but some of the first ones on this blog. It's been open for nearly 3 months now, which is kind of amazing for me - as commitment, as we will soon see, is not something that comes easily to me.

Anyway, in doing these readings I have thought about my major problems, which I need to sort out.

Now, I''m not just talking about my issues which I had (have) with choosing what to do for a career - but in life in general. I can't seem to stay put on anything - from hobbies, to subjects to this and that - not so much a short attention span as a lack of commitment.

Anyway the first thing that comes to mind that fits all of these, and the simple driving force which I need to eliminate from my life is

- Not that I'm worried everyone is out to get me. (Or are they :p lol), but rather I'm paranoid that should be doing something else. - Whatever I am doing. I keep thinking what if I was doing something else. This applies, not only to my course/career, but also to things like hobbies etc.... I cant have fun playing this game because I feel like I should be doing something else - be it playing a different game, studying, or anything really just something other than what I am doing.

I think this stems from a deep insecurity. One that has existed for quite an extended period of time. One that has always been there, but up untill now never identified.

Through the process of identifcation I see that my paronoia stems from my insecurity. - The source of this insecurity is mistrust, or non-trust. In everything, in everyone, but namely in myself. I must grow to trust myself, in my decisions and in my actions - small and large.

This trust will eliminate the insecurity, which in turn shall eliminate the paranoia - which is the driving force behind all of the bad qualities I have listed above. Trust. -Hmmm...things feel slightly better now.

:: posted by Kaga, 7/08/2006 11:03:00 pm | link | 0 comments |


It's time for a change.

But, this time it's not subjects!!!!

No, instead its a change for the blog. - A template change. Not yet, but within the next few hours the template will be modified. Be on the look out.
Other than that, i'm starting to get over this dreaded chest infection. The Rulide and anaesthetic + eucalyptus combined treatments are helping quite well. I'm not happy about having this condition - but I am glad it has come now, rather than during semester.

Monday I am off to Bort's for YuYu Hakusho marathon - but this is somewhat subject to change if I am still ill. -Here's hoping I'm better. - Anyway, it's only a little over a week left untill semester 2 starts. We've come a long way....and we are about to reach the end of the countdown, and the beginning - the beginning of the rest of my life.

:: posted by Kaga, 7/08/2006 10:53:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Friday, July 07, 2006

The end of an era. - The end of the changes. Breaking the habit.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room (unless I try to start again)

I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m Breaking the habit Tonight

Clutching my cure I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I’ll paint it on the walls
'Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this way,
I’ll never be alright

So I’m Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
:: posted by Kaga, 7/07/2006 12:50:00 am | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, July 06, 2006


Success does not come to those who ask the question: What If?

Here are the 20 qualites I desire:

  1. Ability
  2. Achievement
  3. Action
  4. Courage
  5. Determination
  6. Difficulties (so I can overcome)
  7. Dreams
  8. Enthusiasm
  9. No Excuses
  10. Failure (so I can be succesful)
  11. Goals
  12. Happiness
  13. Motivation
  14. Opportunity
  15. Perseverance
  16. Success
  17. Time
  18. Committment
  19. Patience (and understanding)
  20. Love

All 20 I already have. Let's start exercising them!

:: posted by Kaga, 7/06/2006 11:37:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Linux is being very annoying

I spent the last few hours - since about 8 pm to now 1.41am getting and installing 3 different distros of linux. And none have been succesful. - Suse, Kubuntu and MandrivaOne(Live) have all fucked up.

I lost my music, my games and everything else on my main hard disk. At least I didn't lose my photos.

I'll get over it, but I'm still pissed.
:: posted by Kaga, 7/05/2006 01:44:00 am | link | 0 comments |

Tuesday, July 04, 2006


Okay so I'm now in computer science/software engineering. This makes sense, as I am good with computers. I hope I don't get too lazy - well I am the one in control, so I have the power to fix it.

Essentially I rushed into finance, and anyway...I can't be bothered going into it. - Anyway, if the games engine development course opens next year I will apply for it.

The open uni course is now cancelled, thanks to me - as I don't need to be doing it, just yet - might as well save up that FEE-HELP - untill I have to use it. At least I know my future is going to be computer science - thats pretty much the worst case scenario -which is pretty good, actually.

On other notes, I started get the edge today, quite good - awesome actually. I've locked in the hour of power system, so we will see how I go. I'm also starting to get a sore-throat so I hope, by taking an antibiotic or 2 I quell it quickly.

Other than that I'm tired. so nite.
:: posted by Kaga, 7/04/2006 12:27:00 am | link | 1 comments |