Kreative Tendencies

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Self-Evaluation [Audit]

Disclaimer: The following is intended to be a self-audit of my problems. It will seem pessimistic, keep in mind that the purpose of this audit is to identify problems so that they can be fixed - not to complain woefully with no intent for action to rectify the situation. This audit should generate a sense of desire and hope rather than one of depression and self loathing. This audit is also candid, and due to the nature of its content, reader discrection is advised.

I've been reading through my past entries, not many of them, but some of the first ones on this blog. It's been open for nearly 3 months now, which is kind of amazing for me - as commitment, as we will soon see, is not something that comes easily to me.

Anyway, in doing these readings I have thought about my major problems, which I need to sort out.

Now, I''m not just talking about my issues which I had (have) with choosing what to do for a career - but in life in general. I can't seem to stay put on anything - from hobbies, to subjects to this and that - not so much a short attention span as a lack of commitment.

Anyway the first thing that comes to mind that fits all of these, and the simple driving force which I need to eliminate from my life is

- Not that I'm worried everyone is out to get me. (Or are they :p lol), but rather I'm paranoid that should be doing something else. - Whatever I am doing. I keep thinking what if I was doing something else. This applies, not only to my course/career, but also to things like hobbies etc.... I cant have fun playing this game because I feel like I should be doing something else - be it playing a different game, studying, or anything really just something other than what I am doing.

I think this stems from a deep insecurity. One that has existed for quite an extended period of time. One that has always been there, but up untill now never identified.

Through the process of identifcation I see that my paronoia stems from my insecurity. - The source of this insecurity is mistrust, or non-trust. In everything, in everyone, but namely in myself. I must grow to trust myself, in my decisions and in my actions - small and large.

This trust will eliminate the insecurity, which in turn shall eliminate the paranoia - which is the driving force behind all of the bad qualities I have listed above. Trust. -Hmmm...things feel slightly better now.

:: posted by Kaga, 7/08/2006 11:03:00 pm


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