Kreative Tendencies

Disclaimer: The following is intended to be a self-audit of my problems. It will seem pessimistic, keep in mind that the purpose of this audit is to identify problems so that they can be fixed - not to complain woefully with no intent for action to rectify the situation. This audit should generate a sense of desire and hope rather than one of depression and self loathing. This audit is also candid, and due to the nature of its content, reader discrection is advised.


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I've been reading through my past entries, not many of them, but some of the first ones on this blog. It's been open for nearly 3 months now, which is kind of amazing for me - as commitment, as we will soon see, is not something that comes easily to me.

Anyway, in doing these readings I have thought about my major problems, which I need to sort out.

• Lack of / Fear of Commitment
• Addiction to change
• Pessimism to popular things
• Pessimistic view of other people
• Non-direction
• Indecisivness

Now, I''m not just talking about my issues which I had (have) with choosing what to do for a career - but in life in general. I can't seem to stay put on anything - from hobbies, to subjects to this and that - not so much a short attention span as a lack of commitment.

Anyway the first thing that comes to mind that fits all of these, and the simple driving force which I need to eliminate from my life is

• Paranoia

- Not that I'm worried everyone is out to get me. (Or are they :p lol), but rather I'm paranoid that should be doing something else. - Whatever I am doing. I keep thinking what if I was doing something else. This applies, not only to my course/career, but also to things like hobbies etc.... I cant have fun playing this game because I feel like I should be doing something else - be it playing a different game, studying, or anything really just something other than what I am doing.

I think this stems from a deep insecurity. One that has existed for quite an extended period of time. One that has always been there, but up untill now never identified.

Through the process of identifcation I see that my paronoia stems from my insecurity. - The source of this insecurity is mistrust, or non-trust. In everything, in everyone, but namely in myself. I must grow to trust myself, in my decisions and in my actions - small and large.

This trust will eliminate the insecurity, which in turn shall eliminate the paranoia - which is the driving force behind all of the bad qualities I have listed above. Trust. -Hmmm...things feel slightly better now.