Kreative Tendencies
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
What am I afraid of?
I will begin with a quick recap of the happenings of the past 24 hours or so (nothing major) and then I will go on to discuss my fears...
After waking up at around 12:30 to quickly surf the net I slept at around 1:00-1:30am. Woke up at 6.10 - very disgruntled. LoL. Went into uni, and attended a hogg lecture. (math). Then we went to dnd so Bob could buy some jeans. Had Macca's for lunch (Tong and Bob had chinese), after that came home. Watched the E3 Sony press release, courtesy of Gamespot, and then went with Tong as he took Link to a job interview. (OfWk).
Spent some time in the shops (sfw) and got milk drinks then came home. Did nothing very constructive after that, apart from trying to drop Bob off at a pub, but his friend wasn't there (Bob was 20 minutes late, so not surprised...) and then dropped Bob home. (Tong Drove). Afterwards Tong went home and then...yeah I am here.
So, right now I'm feeling apprehensive about Saturday night, I know I will probably enjoy it, but right now I wish it was over and done with (LoL).
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I considered doing 2 posts for this but no....I can't be bothered.
If it's not clear already I'm currently planning on transferring to Games Design. Now, that's all well and good and I really want to do it...yet I still find myself tempted to change subjects - trying to see what Computer Science and Interior Design subjects have to offer - which I rather silly.
The question is What am I afraid of?
Here's an attempt at a very candid answer....(gulp).
It is quite obvious that I am not afraid to change, which should be looked at as a good thing - however I think I have proved that fact beyond a doubt. What I am afraid of, it would seem, is commitment. - Not the marriage sort (although if it came to it the same thing might well happen)...my obsession with subject hopping must stem from somewhere, and with a few words (casually) from a chaplain I am obviously afraid.
It has come to a point where I need to get a degree. Changing course any more than absolutely necessary would be silly and yet another waste of time. In other words I need to get into Games Design and stick to it. I have exhausted all other options...and I am extremely lucky that a course I really want to do is available, after all the time I have wasted.
Essentially I suppose the desire to change subjects now, is partially motivated by a different force than what drove me to change subjects over a year ago. - At first it was curiosity, exploration and the general excitement of delving into the unknown. Now it's more of a habit than anything else. To put it simply, sticking to a course map and doing the right subjects, compared with hopping across 8 faculties, 3 campuses, 100+ degrees and 200+ subjects - is tedious and mundane. But "Life is Tedious" (again thanks Judy!) - and that's something which I am having great difficulty learning.
For me I can blame many things - I didn't know what I wanted to do...there was too many options...there wasn't enough guidance...I was young and naive etc... etc... etc... - but the bottom line is, that is to say the truth is, that I was and still am afraid to stick to something. This small manifesto is a step to confront that fear in the full knowledge that it is a destructive fear that is not enabling me to achieve the goals, and become the person I want.
It was fear that brought me to leave my first degree, and despite the fact that around 2 years have gone to "waste" I refuse to regret it. My time spent "hopping" has helped me grow in wisdom, forge new friendships and strengthen old ones - in short I am more experienced now than I could ever have hoped for originally.
Now however the time has come to use that wisdom and experience, to do the sensible thing for once and go with the comfort rather than the speed - I may not get that unsettling thrill from changing subjects on a daily basis - but the long term rewards will be far more fufilling. The biggest challenge is that of self control - the discipline not only to do well in each subject and continually study, but the strength and courage to fight the fear driven obsession to change subjects, courses, quit etc...
So, my goal now is to leave my enrolment alone until the end of the year - when I have to re-enrol next year. By that time my subjects should be pre-planned, aside from the (possibly) 2 electives, which will need to be decided (relatively) quickly and completely sensibly. They should contribute to my degree and/or overall knowledge and wisdom and they should be chosen diligently, rather than squandered.
And so I end this brief manifesto with a few final words...
In the face of adversity we grow. The bigger the adversity the stronger we emerge, when we do so victoriously. These fears are my adversaries and from this moment forward I wield my sword and fight against them. Every day is a small victory over them, and each small victory shall soon amount to the point that those adversaries shall have suffered total defeat. When this time comes I shall emerge, and I shall do so stronger than I can ever imagine...
~Kreative~
After waking up at around 12:30 to quickly surf the net I slept at around 1:00-1:30am. Woke up at 6.10 - very disgruntled. LoL. Went into uni, and attended a hogg lecture. (math). Then we went to dnd so Bob could buy some jeans. Had Macca's for lunch (Tong and Bob had chinese), after that came home. Watched the E3 Sony press release, courtesy of Gamespot, and then went with Tong as he took Link to a job interview. (OfWk).
Spent some time in the shops (sfw) and got milk drinks then came home. Did nothing very constructive after that, apart from trying to drop Bob off at a pub, but his friend wasn't there (Bob was 20 minutes late, so not surprised...) and then dropped Bob home. (Tong Drove). Afterwards Tong went home and then...yeah I am here.
So, right now I'm feeling apprehensive about Saturday night, I know I will probably enjoy it, but right now I wish it was over and done with (LoL).
---------------------------------------------------------
I considered doing 2 posts for this but no....I can't be bothered.
If it's not clear already I'm currently planning on transferring to Games Design. Now, that's all well and good and I really want to do it...yet I still find myself tempted to change subjects - trying to see what Computer Science and Interior Design subjects have to offer - which I rather silly.
The question is What am I afraid of?
Here's an attempt at a very candid answer....(gulp).
It is quite obvious that I am not afraid to change, which should be looked at as a good thing - however I think I have proved that fact beyond a doubt. What I am afraid of, it would seem, is commitment. - Not the marriage sort (although if it came to it the same thing might well happen)...my obsession with subject hopping must stem from somewhere, and with a few words (casually) from a chaplain I am obviously afraid.
It has come to a point where I need to get a degree. Changing course any more than absolutely necessary would be silly and yet another waste of time. In other words I need to get into Games Design and stick to it. I have exhausted all other options...and I am extremely lucky that a course I really want to do is available, after all the time I have wasted.
Essentially I suppose the desire to change subjects now, is partially motivated by a different force than what drove me to change subjects over a year ago. - At first it was curiosity, exploration and the general excitement of delving into the unknown. Now it's more of a habit than anything else. To put it simply, sticking to a course map and doing the right subjects, compared with hopping across 8 faculties, 3 campuses, 100+ degrees and 200+ subjects - is tedious and mundane. But "Life is Tedious" (again thanks Judy!) - and that's something which I am having great difficulty learning.
For me I can blame many things - I didn't know what I wanted to do...there was too many options...there wasn't enough guidance...I was young and naive etc... etc... etc... - but the bottom line is, that is to say the truth is, that I was and still am afraid to stick to something. This small manifesto is a step to confront that fear in the full knowledge that it is a destructive fear that is not enabling me to achieve the goals, and become the person I want.
It was fear that brought me to leave my first degree, and despite the fact that around 2 years have gone to "waste" I refuse to regret it. My time spent "hopping" has helped me grow in wisdom, forge new friendships and strengthen old ones - in short I am more experienced now than I could ever have hoped for originally.
Now however the time has come to use that wisdom and experience, to do the sensible thing for once and go with the comfort rather than the speed - I may not get that unsettling thrill from changing subjects on a daily basis - but the long term rewards will be far more fufilling. The biggest challenge is that of self control - the discipline not only to do well in each subject and continually study, but the strength and courage to fight the fear driven obsession to change subjects, courses, quit etc...
So, my goal now is to leave my enrolment alone until the end of the year - when I have to re-enrol next year. By that time my subjects should be pre-planned, aside from the (possibly) 2 electives, which will need to be decided (relatively) quickly and completely sensibly. They should contribute to my degree and/or overall knowledge and wisdom and they should be chosen diligently, rather than squandered.
And so I end this brief manifesto with a few final words...
In the face of adversity we grow. The bigger the adversity the stronger we emerge, when we do so victoriously. These fears are my adversaries and from this moment forward I wield my sword and fight against them. Every day is a small victory over them, and each small victory shall soon amount to the point that those adversaries shall have suffered total defeat. When this time comes I shall emerge, and I shall do so stronger than I can ever imagine...
~Kreative~
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
getting there....
So two days have passed since I last blogged. I finished the book on games design, and it was good. - I read the whole lot across 1 weekend (finished sun night), so it must have been interesting, lol!
Monday I went into uni. Tong and I mainly spent time in the library. I got a few more books on Gaming, but unfortunately they are more about coding (and AI), which is good in it's own right but too advanced for me, at least at the moment. We left early and headed to close campus to see what they hold, but we couldn't find the ticketed carpark (we could only find the permit one!)....how rude...I checked the map later (ie: today, tuesday) and found out there is one...its location is just a little obscure...hehehe.
At the days end I went to Bob's house, for tea. Ended up staying there, had 2 wines across the night..somehow watched bb, and then went to bed at around 1am. Oh and we watched wolf creek (wooo).
Woke up today at around 9.30 - went and woke up Bob then drove back to my place. Tong came in around 12 and we just lazed about till dinner. - I tried out a few demos of games like doom 3 (ran surprisingly well on high quality on my computer, neverwinter nights and FEAR (which I want to get coz the demo left me salivating!).
After tea went to shops so Tong could get some ham and bread...and he was nice enough to buy us some goodies (profiteroles)! woo!
After that I played guild wars and got pissed off because my connection lagged out as I was about to (nearly) complete the divinity coast mission. How fucking ridiculous - meaning I would have to start again. So, I spent the rest of the time trying to sign up for more spam on my spam account - lol, this included spamming mirc and joining yahoo groups hehehehe. (also checked out budget reports)
This brings me to now, it's 11:30pm (approx) and I should try and get some sleep soon...I suppose...
well more posts soon and all that jazz.
till next,
weeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
Monday I went into uni. Tong and I mainly spent time in the library. I got a few more books on Gaming, but unfortunately they are more about coding (and AI), which is good in it's own right but too advanced for me, at least at the moment. We left early and headed to close campus to see what they hold, but we couldn't find the ticketed carpark (we could only find the permit one!)....how rude...I checked the map later (ie: today, tuesday) and found out there is one...its location is just a little obscure...hehehe.
At the days end I went to Bob's house, for tea. Ended up staying there, had 2 wines across the night..somehow watched bb, and then went to bed at around 1am. Oh and we watched wolf creek (wooo).
Woke up today at around 9.30 - went and woke up Bob then drove back to my place. Tong came in around 12 and we just lazed about till dinner. - I tried out a few demos of games like doom 3 (ran surprisingly well on high quality on my computer, neverwinter nights and FEAR (which I want to get coz the demo left me salivating!).
After tea went to shops so Tong could get some ham and bread...and he was nice enough to buy us some goodies (profiteroles)! woo!
After that I played guild wars and got pissed off because my connection lagged out as I was about to (nearly) complete the divinity coast mission. How fucking ridiculous - meaning I would have to start again. So, I spent the rest of the time trying to sign up for more spam on my spam account - lol, this included spamming mirc and joining yahoo groups hehehehe. (also checked out budget reports)
This brings me to now, it's 11:30pm (approx) and I should try and get some sleep soon...I suppose...
well more posts soon and all that jazz.
till next,
weeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
getting there....
So two days have passed since I last blogged. I finished the book on games design, and it was good. - I read the whole lot across 1 weekend (finished sun night), so it must have been interesting, lol!
Monday I went into uni. Tong and I mainly spent time in the library. I got a few more books on Gaming, but unfortunately they are more about coding (and AI), which is good in it's own right but too advanced for me, at least at the moment. We left early and headed to close campus to see what they hold, but we couldn't find the ticketed carpark (we could only find the permit one!)....how rude...I checked the map later (ie: today, tuesday) and found out there is one...its location is just a little obscure...hehehe.
At the days end I went to Bob's house, for tea. Ended up staying there, had 2 wines across the night..somehow watched bb, and then went to bed at around 1am. Oh and we watched wolf creek (wooo).
Woke up today at around 9.30 - went and woke up Bob then drove back to my place. Tong came in around 12 and we just lazed about till dinner. - I tried out a few demos of games like doom 3 (ran surprisingly well on high quality on my computer, neverwinter nights and FEAR (which I want to get coz the demo left me salivating!).
After tea went to shops so Tong could get some ham and bread...and he was nice enough to buy us some goodies (profiteroles)! woo!
After that I played guild wars and got pissed off because my connection lagged out as I was about to (nearly) complete the divinity coast mission. How fucking ridiculous - meaning I would have to start again. So, I spent the rest of the time trying to sign up for more spam on my spam account - lol, this included spamming mirc and joining yahoo groups hehehehe. (also checked out budget reports)
This brings me to now, it's 11:30pm (approx) and I should try and get some sleep soon...I suppose...
well more posts soon and all that jazz.
till next,
weeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
Monday I went into uni. Tong and I mainly spent time in the library. I got a few more books on Gaming, but unfortunately they are more about coding (and AI), which is good in it's own right but too advanced for me, at least at the moment. We left early and headed to close campus to see what they hold, but we couldn't find the ticketed carpark (we could only find the permit one!)....how rude...I checked the map later (ie: today, tuesday) and found out there is one...its location is just a little obscure...hehehe.
At the days end I went to Bob's house, for tea. Ended up staying there, had 2 wines across the night..somehow watched bb, and then went to bed at around 1am. Oh and we watched wolf creek (wooo).
Woke up today at around 9.30 - went and woke up Bob then drove back to my place. Tong came in around 12 and we just lazed about till dinner. - I tried out a few demos of games like doom 3 (ran surprisingly well on high quality on my computer, neverwinter nights and FEAR (which I want to get coz the demo left me salivating!).
After tea went to shops so Tong could get some ham and bread...and he was nice enough to buy us some goodies (profiteroles)! woo!
After that I played guild wars and got pissed off because my connection lagged out as I was about to (nearly) complete the divinity coast mission. How fucking ridiculous - meaning I would have to start again. So, I spent the rest of the time trying to sign up for more spam on my spam account - lol, this included spamming mirc and joining yahoo groups hehehehe. (also checked out budget reports)
This brings me to now, it's 11:30pm (approx) and I should try and get some sleep soon...I suppose...
well more posts soon and all that jazz.
till next,
weeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Sunday
Today I woke up around 9.30.
Went round to Chubbs place to fix his computer - used a dodgy workaround to get it working for the moment, hope its fine...he treated me to KFC for fixing it. Afterwards came back and listened to new Godsmack album - pretty decent! - Then Chubbs went off to work.
From there I read more of the Game Design book (now up to around 200 pages - 60%) and watched Link play Dragon Quest.
Then I did some reviewing on GS (Morrowind and BRgs).
After that I fiddled round with a few templates and as you can see the page looks different!
From this sunday untill next I am in the decision phase of Games development - in other words I want to decide once and for all by next sunday - which just so happens to me my birthday - this means less than 1 week until the party. (hmmm)...
I've lost track of the timers in all of the template - changing stuff, but new ones should be up soon...within the next few days...if I can be bothered. - I really want live Java timers or something...(without hogging up to many system resources).
Anyway I'm off now to read more of the book...keep a look out for a new post within the next 36 hours or so!
Cheers.
Went round to Chubbs place to fix his computer - used a dodgy workaround to get it working for the moment, hope its fine...he treated me to KFC for fixing it. Afterwards came back and listened to new Godsmack album - pretty decent! - Then Chubbs went off to work.
From there I read more of the Game Design book (now up to around 200 pages - 60%) and watched Link play Dragon Quest.
Then I did some reviewing on GS (Morrowind and BRgs).
After that I fiddled round with a few templates and as you can see the page looks different!
From this sunday untill next I am in the decision phase of Games development - in other words I want to decide once and for all by next sunday - which just so happens to me my birthday - this means less than 1 week until the party. (hmmm)...
I've lost track of the timers in all of the template - changing stuff, but new ones should be up soon...within the next few days...if I can be bothered. - I really want live Java timers or something...(without hogging up to many system resources).
Anyway I'm off now to read more of the book...keep a look out for a new post within the next 36 hours or so!
Cheers.
