Kreative Tendencies

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

What am I afraid of?

I will begin with a quick recap of the happenings of the past 24 hours or so (nothing major) and then I will go on to discuss my fears...

After waking up at around 12:30 to quickly surf the net I slept at around 1:00-1:30am. Woke up at 6.10 - very disgruntled. LoL. Went into uni, and attended a hogg lecture. (math). Then we went to dnd so Bob could buy some jeans. Had Macca's for lunch (Tong and Bob had chinese), after that came home. Watched the E3 Sony press release, courtesy of Gamespot, and then went with Tong as he took Link to a job interview. (OfWk).

Spent some time in the shops (sfw) and got milk drinks then came home. Did nothing very constructive after that, apart from trying to drop Bob off at a pub, but his friend wasn't there (Bob was 20 minutes late, so not surprised...) and then dropped Bob home. (Tong Drove). Afterwards Tong went home and then...yeah I am here.

So, right now I'm feeling apprehensive about Saturday night, I know I will probably enjoy it, but right now I wish it was over and done with (LoL).


I considered doing 2 posts for this but no....I can't be bothered.

If it's not clear already I'm currently planning on transferring to Games Design. Now, that's all well and good and I really want to do it...yet I still find myself tempted to change subjects - trying to see what Computer Science and Interior Design subjects have to offer - which I rather silly.

The question is What am I afraid of?

Here's an attempt at a very candid answer....(gulp).

It is quite obvious that I am not afraid to change, which should be looked at as a good thing - however I think I have proved that fact beyond a doubt. What I am afraid of, it would seem, is commitment. - Not the marriage sort (although if it came to it the same thing might well happen) obsession with subject hopping must stem from somewhere, and with a few words (casually) from a chaplain I am obviously afraid.

It has come to a point where I need to get a degree. Changing course any more than absolutely necessary would be silly and yet another waste of time. In other words I need to get into Games Design and stick to it. I have exhausted all other options...and I am extremely lucky that a course I really want to do is available, after all the time I have wasted.

Essentially I suppose the desire to change subjects now, is partially motivated by a different force than what drove me to change subjects over a year ago. - At first it was curiosity, exploration and the general excitement of delving into the unknown. Now it's more of a habit than anything else. To put it simply, sticking to a course map and doing the right subjects, compared with hopping across 8 faculties, 3 campuses, 100+ degrees and 200+ subjects - is tedious and mundane. But "Life is Tedious" (again thanks Judy!) - and that's something which I am having great difficulty learning.

For me I can blame many things - I didn't know what I wanted to do...there was too many options...there wasn't enough guidance...I was young and naive etc... etc... etc... - but the bottom line is, that is to say the truth is, that I was and still am afraid to stick to something. This small manifesto is a step to confront that fear in the full knowledge that it is a destructive fear that is not enabling me to achieve the goals, and become the person I want.

It was fear that brought me to leave my first degree, and despite the fact that around 2 years have gone to "waste" I refuse to regret it. My time spent "hopping" has helped me grow in wisdom, forge new friendships and strengthen old ones - in short I am more experienced now than I could ever have hoped for originally.

Now however the time has come to use that wisdom and experience, to do the sensible thing for once and go with the comfort rather than the speed - I may not get that unsettling thrill from changing subjects on a daily basis - but the long term rewards will be far more fufilling. The biggest challenge is that of self control - the discipline not only to do well in each subject and continually study, but the strength and courage to fight the fear driven obsession to change subjects, courses, quit etc...

So, my goal now is to leave my enrolment alone until the end of the year - when I have to re-enrol next year. By that time my subjects should be pre-planned, aside from the (possibly) 2 electives, which will need to be decided (relatively) quickly and completely sensibly. They should contribute to my degree and/or overall knowledge and wisdom and they should be chosen diligently, rather than squandered.

And so I end this brief manifesto with a few final words...

In the face of adversity we grow. The bigger the adversity the stronger we emerge, when we do so victoriously. These fears are my adversaries and from this moment forward I wield my sword and fight against them. Every day is a small victory over them, and each small victory shall soon amount to the point that those adversaries shall have suffered total defeat. When this time comes I shall emerge, and I shall do so stronger than I can ever imagine...


:: posted by Kaga, 5/10/2006 08:42:00 pm


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