Kreative Tendencies

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


It's so easy living in a dream world. Protected by a false sense of security with the inner feeling that "it doesn't really matter" and "it will be okay." In the same league as those who believe "it won't happen to me" the assumption that everything is just fine can be rather dangerous, and a trap which I have just about fallen for.

As you may have gathered from previous information It seems as though I am afraid to stick to a certain course. (Thanks Judy!) - and as such I'm slowly but surely destroying my life. I'm not talking about drugs, or, at least in this case, alcohol - but indeed the obsessive compulsion to change subjects I have amassed. These thing's always seem to culminate in a kind of anti-climax, but recently thing's did reach their peak and change was necessary. Possibly a good thing, as all catalysts are (arguably), this has prompted me to look closely at reality, and evacuate the sphere of false guardianship I am currently living within.

The changing of subjects and never finding some where satisfactory, never being satisified and suffering through constant impermanance led me to a fork in the road. More accurately, a road, and an exit ramp. The exit ramp led, and indeed still leads to a short-term satisfying change of pace - that is quitting university. The road ahead is blocked, however and as I get close to the barracades I need to make a decision, - Exit or just change lanes.

Having exhausted all supply of backup equipment I find myself in need to do something drastic. I go part-time, only to come rather quickly to the conclusion that my current degree is totally pointless and that I don't want to be doing it, especially when it would take 7 years plus (full time) to become a qualified psychologist - which was my semi goal for the past few weeks. - Compulsive - indeed.

And so as these things tend to do, another path appeared. Perhaps delivered by god, perhaps just fate, or blind luck or brilliant idiocy - the result - a change of course entirely - that shifted the paradigm completely and realigned me into a new position. The downside? I'd have to do it alone.

Which brings me to now. The decision point. 75 Days remain untill I reach that barracade. If I don't change lanes I will be forced to take the exit ramp, which I am not ready to do yet. So I have a choice either take the lane that is presented to me or try another path. The problem - the lane presented to me, as previously told is one which must be taken alone, whilst the other paths are cluttered, maze-like and foggy - and have a very high likelihood of leading me right back to this very place - only a few weeks, months and/or even years older - but unfortunately none-the-wiser in the process.

For someone writing on reality these metaphors and analogies are quite ironic. None of them are real, yet their symbolism is undeniable. And so, as I journey forward toward that pathway which one do I take?

And finally as I remain pondering the question for the next few days and weeks, which are but mere moments in the timeline of life, I ask myself - do I really have a choice?
:: posted by Kaga, 5/03/2006 08:14:00 pm


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